Friday, August 31, 2007

Neo vs. Ted Theodore Logan

I was having a discussion at lunch with a couple of coworkers about Keanu Reeves in Speed and The Lake House with Sandra Bullock, which sparked a conversation about probably the most famous Reeves character currently - that of Neo in the Matrix films.

My coworker (a boy by the way) feels that Neo is by far the most awesome of all Keanu’s characters due to his godlike qualities.
But what about Ted Theodore Logan, I inquired?
How is he godlike, you might ask?

Well, Neo of course overcame a simulated computer world, there’s no disputing that. But assuming that Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure took place in the real world, and not a simulated computer world, I feel that Ted Theodore Logan exhibited far more godlike qualities than Neo.

For instance: Ted (with Bill) was able to go back in time and round up a fair-sized group of historical people, carting them around in a phone booth. Neo didn’t seem to know how to time travel.

And, an entire race of futuristic people, including MF’in George Carlin considered Ted a god. Most people that knew Neo doubted that he was the one (much like Jesus; the Wachowskis pretty much threw a pie in our faces to get that point across). I didn’t see George Carlin even in the movie, let alone bowing his head to Mr. Anderson.

"Whoa!" Ted is undoubtedly saying.
(Still from Bill & Ted's Excellent adventure, © 1989 Orion Pictures)

A bit more subtly, Neo seems to be going for the same expression, showing Keanu's awesome range.
(Still from The Matrix, © 1999 Warner Bros.)

It's an interesting side note that Larry Wachowski is now living as a woman (per several internet reports) named Lara, Laurenca, or Linda (depending on what you read).

Bird Woman of Alcatraz

This one appeared on my myspace on June 8, 2006. Thought i'd post it over here (this will be happening with most of my myspace posts intermittently).

On Tuesday, while I was visiting with my mom, she remarked that the robins outside had been screeching all day due to her enterprising cats waiting at the bottom of the trees for the fledglings that were sporadically dropping down. Eager to see a fledgling, I took a peek outside just in time to see a baby robin pretty much fall into her latest adopted monster Diesel s mouth. Quickly I shooed the cat away and picked up the failed flier. It was very scared but seemed to be unhurt. I decided to put it in the tree that contained its screeching parents. Within minutes, the adults had knocked it out of the tree and were dive bombing it on the ground.

Having had enough of that, I scooped up the little thing with the intent on taking it home for the night, then sending it off to the Audubon Society in the morning. Mom helped me assemble a cardboard box and gave me a half dozen worms that my brother had to feed his single piranha. He also has one scorpion and one black widow dont ask me. I stopped by the pet store and got a small cage and some baby bird food. By the time I got it home, the little bird had come out of its shock and was chirping industriously inside the box.


My own cats were pretty interested in the contents of the box, but I sent them outside and put it in the cage. At first I tried to feed it some baby bird formula, but it wasnt having it. So I put it in the bathroom and closed the door. As the light left this hemisphere the baby robin went to sleep.

In the morning, precisely when the sun rose, the bird began chirping. I called my boss to say I would be in late and explained the situation. Then I went into the bathroom to see if it wanted to eat yet. It lightly clicked its beak at me, then opened up for some worms. This was a very cute bonding moment, because for the next couple of hours as it got hungry again, it would see me and click its beak, and I would feed it again. VERY CUTE. The inside of its beak was a bright yellow, and its red feathers were just coming in.

The lady at the Audubon said if it wasnt hurt, and was a fledgling, it would be better off if I placed it in a box in a tree rather than bring it to them. So that is what I did. All Wednesday I felt anxious for the bird, but toward the end of the day I kind of hoped it would still be there in the box waiting for more worms.

Alas, it was not to be, as the little bird was no where in sight. I am optimistic that it finally flew away and would soon become an adult robin, but it was still a little sad not to see it again. Regardless, I am going to keep my eyes open for robins in my area, just in case one of them is MY robin.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Blood and Bullets


The guy with the straw-like white cockatiel hair is Ricky Bullit. He was the step-brother of one of my friends back in the day. Ricky wore his glam-rock garb on a daily basis and talked in a high-pitched voice about protein-packing his hair (in my opinion he should have done it more often) and his tight, zebra-print pants. He was last seen getting on the #32 bus in front of the Shari’s restaurant in Vancouver, yelling in his high-pitched voice, “suck my cock, bitch!” presumably at the Shari’s waitress he’d just stiffed for his coconut cream pie.

I don’t know Ricky’s real last name, but Bullit works well. His other band members appear to be: Joe Perry from Aerosmith, the drummer from the Spin Doctors, and a zombie with bad posture. They have another publicity shot with their logo a bit larger and their slogan, which is “The gun sight is set on LA. Let the bullets fly in ‘95” or some other nonsense. A google search for “Blood and Bullets” ensures that LA didn’t suffer too much from the hail of protein pack these four guys flung on it. I’m guessing the zombie carved out a niche for himself stocking the Halloween section of Party Factory, the drummer from Spin Doctors is now an accountant, and Ricky huffs gold paint on Hollywood Boulevard when he isn’t weeping bitterly (over what could have been) next to Motley Crue’s star on the walk of fame. And we all know what Joe’s been doing. That’s right, he’s been recording terribly pussy ballads with Mick Jagger’s mouthier brother.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Salad Tongs

I created two blogs here, this one, and Salad Tongs, where I will be posting recipes. Some of them are mine own, some belong to others, and some I get from books.

Check out Salad Tongs if you're looking for something to eat, and like your recipes to be mildly amusing reads. http://www.chattes-salad-tongs.blogspot.com/

Emperor of the United States

I learned an interesting fact the other day...

I have the entire DC comics Sandman collection (yes, I know, I'm a geek) and in one of the issues there is a storyline referencing a man called Joshua Norton, the first and only emperor of the united states. I had never paid much attention to the story as there were many more interesting ones to be read, until I read the foreword or afterword to the collection, in which Neil Gaiman stated that the story was in fact true and there had actually been an emperor Norton I of the United States.

So I looked him up. Turns out, ol' Josh Norton lived in San Francisco in the mid eighteen hundreds. After suffering a huge financial blow involving a rice shortage, the poor guy (who had lost everything) decided to take matters into his own hands and declare himself emperor of the US. He sent out a letter to several San Francisco newspapers, stating thusly:

"At the peremptory request and desire of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the last 9 years and 10 months past of S. F., Cal., declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U. S.; and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in Musical Hall, of this city, on the 1st day of Feb. next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity.

NORTON I, Emperor of the United States."

The people of San Francisco, always amused by eccentricity, received this first emperor of the US. Still penniless, Norton I received regal attire (including a top hat with peacock feathers stuck in the band) from the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, and his specially drafted bank notes were widely accepted as legal tender by restaurants and businesses. Citizens of his chosen imperial city saluted him on the streets as he performed his regal duties of checking that the sidewalks were not cracked and making sure that no one called his beloved city "Frisco," an offense punishable by a small fine. Mark Twain was his friend, even so much as to write the epitaph on the tombstone of one of Norton's dogs. The census of 1870 even recorded a Joshua Norton living at his address and listed his occupation as "Emperor."

When a police officer arrested him in order to have him committed, the public was outraged, and a judge dropped all charges, decreeing that "he had shed no blood; robbed no one; and despoiled no country; which is more than can be said of his fellows in that line." Norton, the benevolent ruler that he was, granted the errant police officer a full pardon.

Throughout his reign, he argued that the city should build a bridge between it and Oakland, which of course happened, albiet after his death. There's a petition to rename that bridge after him currently. He exchanged correspondence with other rulers such as Queen Victoria, Tzar Alexander of Russia, and Emperor Pedro II of Brazil.

He, like any mortal ruler, passed away in 1880, dying on the street, still penniless, still shabbily dressed in his top hat with the peacock feathers wilting in the rain. The newspapers published the announcement of his passing with the headline "le roi est mort," "the king is dead." 30,000 people attended his funeral. His tombstone reads "NORTON I, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico" and can be seen in the Woodlawn Cemetery, in Colma. The day after his funeral was marked by a total eclipse of the sun.

Isn't that a romantic story? He's as much a part of US history as any president we've had, yet not many know of him. For twenty-one years in the mid to late eighteen hundreds, the United States DID have an emperor, our only one, if only in the mind of one man and those of the good people that humored him. He's all over the internet as well. Wikipedia has a good article on him, as do many other sites.

So there's your forgotten history lesson for the day, girls and boys. Hope you enjoyed it!

1994


This is me at age seventeen. Thought you ought to know. It was the fall of 1994. Sherri was taking a photography class at Clark College so of course I joined her for EVERY class, and didn't pay. But hey, the teacher let me stay and use all of their equipment and chemicals for free, so perhaps the cosmos meant for me to be there. This series was actually one of her finals for that class, and as usual I was goofing off in the entry area of the classroom. I believe the lollipop was Tootsie Roll pop of the grape variety. Perhaps the wrapper had one of those Indians shooting at the star; in fact, yes, we will say that it did.

I'm not sure how many licks it takes to get to the center of a grape Tootsie Roll pop, but what I AM sure about is that hair pretty much delays (or stops altogether) the licking process.

Please note the multi-layers so popular in the nineties - the raggy long-john top and the ill-fitting second-hand tye-dye, accentuated by a handmade necklace that may or may not have hemp in it. Ahh, those were the days. Just be happy I am not wearing a trenchcoat and army helmet in this picture. (And yes, I dressed like this before I ever did drugs.) No wonder my mother occasionally confused me for a transient.

Looking at this, I'm thankful that I got contacts - I look like a forty-five-year-old spinster sixth grade teacher who enjoys arranging her collection of cast off garter snake skins and reading bodice rippers on the toilet.