Thoughts

1. Hitler ruined the popularity of the under-the-nose-soul-patch moustache.

2. I'm glad Courtney Love exists. I am amused by her antics and her fashion.

3. I think Tinky-Winky the Teletubby may have had an unsuccessful partial lobotomy/trepanning operation, and the coat hanger is still sticking out of his head.

4. Amiannoying.com says, and I tend to agree, "Mariah Carey may be annoying because she has a screechy voice and uses it to speak nonsense."

5. My co-worker Bob is the cousin of Nuno Bettencourt, the perfect-coiffed guitarist for Extreme. Bob doesn't like beer, cheese, soup, cooked fruit, or breads made from fruit or vegetables.

6. G tried out for the Apprentice a couple of years ago. I think they found him abrasive. I'm not sure why. If he had danced for them, it would be a different story. I'm sure he would have gotten along famously with The Donald.

7. The VP of Operations at the first company I worked for looked JUST like Bernie in "Weekend at Bernie's."

8. Screw all these recent remakes of classics. I would like to see a remake of "Plan 9 From Outer Space" or "Planet of Vampires." Kept true to script.

9. I would only truly be shocked by Paris Hilton if she actually moved into a convent to become a nun, and all news regarding her ceased. For about five seconds. Then I would rejoice.

10. Same thing if Bai Ling showed up at an awards show (why does she go to those things, anyway?) wearing a long-sleeved turtleneck and full prairie-style skirt.

11. How effective is the Crane pose in intimidating someone? Does it follow the natural law that if it LOOKS bigger than you there's no way you can eat it, and it will probably eat YOU so get the hell away?

12. George Clinton's a bad mo-fo.

13. I wish my gym's pool had a diving board.

14. I think most celebrities are here to be mocked by us, but somehow a few people got it turned around and think they're here for us to admire.

15. Most people who would never dream of eating food with their mouths open chew gum that way.

16. It's fun to reminisce about stuff you did when you were a kid. Like the other day, my sister and I had a good time discussing how we used to choreograph dances to French synthesizer music (Jean Michel Jarre) and "She's Like the Wind" from Dirty Dancing. We were always pretty theatrical.

17. My dad looks and acts like Alan Alda.

18. I hate when my socks are uneven and my pants are too short.

19. I also hate when you go hunting for Morels and only find the stems of mushrooms others have already picked.

20. Kids today don't know how to breakdance. It's a crying shame.

21. When is the suffix -ery NOT appropriate? My brother and I saw a sign that read "Creative Cakery" the other day. It does not sound right. It's like, you can call it a bakery or "Creative Cakes" but CAKERY? You don't see a lot of "Window Tinteries" or "Bagelries" around, for good reason. It's a load of CROCKERY. Wait...

22. If you're going to captain an arctic expedition, you should probably make friends with your crew. Especially don't make a sworn enemy of the ship's doctor, like Charles Francis Hall did. He wound up poisoned by arsenic.

23. On my travels in Guadalajara, I discovered a storm drain situated at the crest of a hill. It's fun to watch water stream down both sides of the hill while the storm drain only catches the stuff that falls directly into it.
24. It would be profoundly disgusting if Steven Tyler performed "Ragdoll" in honor of his daughter Liv.

25. G says he used to think "I Wanna be Sedated" by the Ramones was "I Wanna be a Civilian" and referred to the draft.

26. Britney Spears once said "I enjoy going to overseas places like Canada." I think she should have stopped shaving her head when she had achieved mullet status. And boy, what a trainwreck these days! I almost feel sorry for her. Almost. A perfect song for her life: "Jenny I Read" by Concrete Blonde. Really sums it up.

27. In Goble, Oregon, on the way to the coast, there is a vacant building, the marquee of which used to read "TOPLESS." It now says "TO.BLESS." I am considering changing it to "JOBLESS" as that seems to be most fitting and would only really require a tail on the "T."

28. Ting!

29. Gotta go!