Some Quotes

Mark Twain: "Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement."

Ned Kelly (on the scaffold): "Such is life."

Demetri Martin: "A dreamcatcher works...if your dream is to be gay."

General John Sedgewick (in the moments before he was hit and killed by enemy fire): "They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance."

John Hay: "Hectic! Spinach! Life is too short for such madness."

A 5 Pound Note: "Have you heard the mandrake scream?"

Mike Tyson: "[He] called me a rapist and a recluse. I'm not a recluse."

Yogi Berra: "When you come to a fork in the road ... Take it."

Groucho Marx: "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Steven Spielberg: "Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?"

Kelly Tolman: "I'm not going to kill you. I might tase you a little bit..."

Winston Churchill: "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

George Burns: "Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth."

W.C. Fields (on Mae West): "A plumber's idea of Cleopatra."

Benjamin Franklin: "Most fools think they are only ignorant."

Paul Beatty: "If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door."

Marty Feldman: "I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician."

Howard Hughes: "I'm not a paranoid deranged millionaire. Goddamnit, I'm a billionaire."

Some Drunken Child (or childlike person) on Hawthorne: "Wine is so good. It's true!"

Dame Margot Asquith (on Jean Harlow mispronouncing her first name): "No, my dear, the 'T' is silent, as in 'Harlow.'"